Peace at last & fun & fulfilment

This is quite a read – it starts with the brief and personal statement relative to a situation 2 years old. Success is achieved, lasting now, over one year! Latest correspondence here 8th September 2018 – take the time to read it all, if easier, print of or at least copy into a word document to read.

It started when a client’s wife asked me if I could help her sister, who was experiencing devastating bullying over a 2 year period.

This intervention has occurred over 1 year now & has brought about positive change & substantiated personal growth has also been achieved.

Code to confidentiality !!!= the difficult person xxx = the receiver ### = the position

It takes you through the action and the results, together with touch-points

Unfortunately then there is a resignation But, happily an increase in self awareness and the foundation to not only repair this new situation but clarity of process that will travel with this individual through her life – but I will always be there if a steady hand is helpful.

We met for the first time starting with a 2 hour face to face consult with the individual (xxx), fleshing out the circumstances, talking about strategies, sharing stories, establishing trust. Then xxx went home and wrote back (homework) so I could see if she had picked up what we were talking about; whether I had been clear.

Homework – 13/5/17 – Xxx’s feedback to Rex after consult Clients comments in blue

Hi Rex, our chat yesterday was invaluable. It was lovely to meet you. Once I again I thank you immensely for taking some time to share your wisdom on my situation!

This is what xxx wrote to me – the situation beforeand afterthe consult and implementation

BEFORE
August 2017
For a period of 2 years, I had been working and reporting in a matrix structure whereby the higher positions were not filled with individuals experienced in managing the bullying behaviours that I was experiencing. 

 I had spoken to my line manager & HR on several occasions and nothing ever happened that made a positive difference. Reputation of bullying behaviours was well known for this particular individual, (!!!) and I was told to be resilient and not take the attacks personally. For this period I did not know what else to do and tried to be resilient getting on with my work.

My self-esteem suffered as I never felt I was carrying out my job satisfactorily and this impacted on my entire life. Various people had suggested ways of handling the situation, but nothing worked. I felt powerless and my bosses just seemed to move on, accepting that the behaviour I was experiencing was inevitable from this individual and not providing me with possible solutions.

AFTER THE CONSULT

I was referred to Rex and after a 2-hour consultation I was given a step-by-step strategy together with a discussion regarding probable conversations, and likely solutions.  After the appointment, I was asked to write an email to him including my understanding of the process, and how I envisaged I would handle the situation. This allowed for opportunity to clarify any miscommunications and ensure I had interpreted the information correctly. Following this, I felt very confident with the process and I was ready to take personal control. Up until this point however, I had felt entirely helpless, and had no idea what to actually do (and to be truthful, I didn’t believe things could really change!). I felt empowered. 

IMPLEMENTATION 

I put into practice the two strategies I had learned throughout my consultation with Rex. As a result of this, I noticed an immediate change in that persons’ behaviour towards me- change that has sustained now for three months. On a couple of occasions, I have seen a potential for the old behaviour to return, (which Rex warned me was probable) and I put in place his maintaining strategy and sustained the positive change.

I realised after this that my behaviours were as much of the problem as the person giving me grief (as much as I didn’t want to admit to this initially). I didn’t know what to do and people around me, peers and managers didn’t know either. Negativity and close mindedness became a routine pathway for communicating and thinking about my discontent with the situation. I had come to the belief that it wasn’t possible to make a change and that I would have to learn to be resilient to the behaviour or leave the job. I didn’t see how being resilient to bullying behaviour was in any way a good objective, nether leaving a job I love and am good at.

 I now feel it has made a positive impact on my workplace, in that it has demonstrated how effectively and positively conflict can be managed if done using the correct process. 

Having achieved a confidence level and supplied tried and true strategies, xxx put that into practice and achieved immediate positive results. I then set about keeping in contact in case any remedial work needed to be carried out.

Email  trail after the event

On 21 Nov 2017, at 12:29 pm, Rex Buckingham wrote:

Hi there!
Just checking in, how are things going with your friend at work?
cheers
Rex 0407827173

22.11.17 Email from XXX in response to me follow-up

Things have been going well- we have been working really well together. Has really been positive ever since! Finding work much more enjoyable now. 

 26.11.17 The response – I do find she is a lot more respectful /professional in her communication with others and in team discussions. I do notice however she continues to gossip (being quite critical of others in her conversations with close workmates). 

14.02.2018 Her feedback – Hi Rex, we have been getting along better than ever actually!  Very positive interactions recently 🙂 

Date 4 June – Rex’s email to xxx asking for an update / feedback

Hi there,

been sometime since we last caught up. Checking in to see how things are with your supervisor? Still going well? Any little difficulties? If there are little challenges, can you recall a bit about one, I might be able to help?

Date: 5 June 2018 at 8:21:34 pm ACST

To: Rex Buckingham

Hi Rex, 

Things have been going really well at work – no difficulties with !!!! which is great 🙂 

Cheers!

Date: 14 August 2018 at 7:08:20 pm ACST
To: xxx
Subject: Hi there

Yes, it is me again.
I am interested if your intervention is still working. And if you have any other challenges?
Cheers Rex

Date: 14 August 2018 at 8:44:23 pm ACST

Hi Rex, 

Thank you for checking in, I hope you’re well.

I have found my working relationship with !!!! has stayed the same (positive and respectful), no new ruptures (or repairs needed) ever since I made the change! Which is really great 🙂 

But I have found difficulties with other staff I have worked with (in the team ) and I felt I lacked confidence to transfer this learnt knowledge/ experience to these other staff members as I felt so intimidated by them, and unsupported in my role. It also felt more of a 2:1 ratio (rather than just one person). 

I ended up leaving the role recently predominantly due to these cultural issues within the team, I lost a lot of confidence and felt I couldn’t keep going. I was able to return to my fulltime community role. 

I still cross over with one of these ladies on my ‘community’ days, and I am a little worried I may still find myself in a similar situation…

cheers, 

On 14 Aug 2018, at 9:32 pm, Rex Buckingham wrote:

Why oh why didn’t you talk to me again? We need to catch up again so you can recapture your ownership of you. Over to you!

And then a phone conversation, where I asked xxx to write down her experience and then we would do a personal one to one catch-up.

Date: 19 August 2018 at 9:03:34 pm ACST

To: Rex Buckingham

Hi Rex,

As we chatted about, I have just written down a few thoughts- about some of the reasons I decided to leave the role and why I was having a hard time.

Work

• Poor transition to the role/ handover –thrown in the deep end! At the time- I put up my hand to ‘fill in’ /backfill a 5 week leave (then the clinician put in her notice -she had found another job- and I was it!).
• Lack of leadership (without a paediatric clinical lead for 18+ months- no successful recruitment).
• Isolated role- no other person of my qualification in the child team 
• Split role (different teams/different processes) i.e. some days community, some days at hospital
• Variety of ages- I found this challenging I recognised I had specific experience and still need more in some areas  

Team

• High gossip team culture – conflicted with my values, and contributed to a lack of confidence …’ ?wonder what they say about me……’  
• Service provision style – felt very much ‘in/out’ – with at times not enough care taken to put in place supports for vulnerable families. 
• Team at times- seemed highly critical, (regular reminders of what to say/not say/ what was missed). Minimal praise and encouragement of one another.
• Disrespectful communication (in sessions, out of sessions). I often felt in sessions where there were three of us (i.e. multi-disciplined) the two experienced clinician’s would not include me in decision making/analysis of the client (and discussions with the family) and their communication made me feel excluded/not ‘good enough’/my opinion not worthy/accurate, and not as good as those of your profession we have had in the past.  

Recently I think I started to see a few warning signs of burnout-and felt it was impacting home life too. At work- I also noticed poorer performance- and this is when I began to get worried. 

At this point, we had an in-profession staff meeting, and I requested some changes to my role would be helpful- (was not considering leaving at this point). 

But then as the year progressed, I realised the logistics of this was problematic. The more I thought about it (as a part week service), if there were to be someone in the role- with me, I would reduce to one day a week – and this did not seem practical for families. I feared reducing my days-would also reduce my knowledge/confidence even more. 

So- I started to weigh up the pro’s cons of staying/leaving 
At this point…  

(+ )

• Felt it was good to stay in position- for the experience (there are limited roles like this one- i.e. only some hositpals… etc). I was obtaining increased knowledge of how to work with infants, and how to work in the hospital model.
• Felt it would be good for my career progression
• Felt rather autonomous and could make my own decisions about the service sometimes

(-) But the flip side….

• Lack of support
• Started to lose confidence- feeling more and more inexperienced for position..
• High stress levels
• Wasn’t feeling valued /rewarded by the team for efforts
• Being told by the team who to see/how often/ in what way (by other disciplines other than my own)
• Regularly critiqued (or hearing gossip of others) for their clinical reasoning- led to more errors/ poorer performance and a lack of confidence.
• Complex children – l was the lacking support network to back my clinical reasoning

So. I suppose- I then came to the conclusion- I had filled in, given it a good go (I was up for the challenge) but the cons outweighed the pro’s.  

Since I have been based outside of this environment again, I have noticed my confidence coming back and feel much more supported within the team. 

What I don’t want to happen is to feel the way I did in my previous role… Any tips would be great! 

We met on 21^stAugust for 90 minutes because of this input –

She wrote back as she did a year ago after the first intervention and here is what she wrote

On 21 Aug 2018, at 10:28 pm, xxx wrote:

xxx Homework 

Hi Rex, thanks for the catch up. Great to listen to your helpful tips to get me onto the right track! 

From tomorrow….

 I will need to be careful not to be affected by the emotions of the words, but rather take the words as only words

I will need to be careful not to take comments/remarks personally, but rather treat comments as ‘habit language’ 

I will need to be careful not to interpret the environment/words/looks NEGATIVELY (but rather predict that this always happens- no longer a surprise to me)…. therefore no need to be caught off guard and defend!

I will need to be careful not to go into battle – but rather- ask, listen, ask listen. This is more respectful, and creates an even playing field. There is no right/wrong- I will need to work out the difference in opinion.

I will need to be careful not to use words like ‘no’, ‘that wont work’. As this closes the mind, and doesn’t help to come up with solutions. But rather- ask, listen, ask, listen.

I will need to be careful not to ‘allow the pond to be infected’- be on the front foot, call the bluff on other’s behaviour.

I will need to be careful not to shoot ‘down the ducks’.

INSTEAD ask, listen, ask, listen, don’t respond until the end (becomes more of a problem solving /conversation) rather than a battle (attach/defence- i.e. I’m right, you’re wrong).

I will need to be careful not to take things personally from people I don’t love and care about (more than my professional relationship with them).

I will need to be careful not to listen to people when they say that people/ environment/cultures don’t change. This is close minded- and my experience says this is not the case! 

Potential ‘triggers’ (Which I will now not take as a surprise!) 

-Discounting my clinical reasoning 

-Telling me who to see/when and in what way 

-Making me feel they have superiority over me (rather than of equal value) 

-Gossiping about other staff members (this conflicts with my values and I don’t want a part in it. I won’t feed their insecurities).  

-Cornering me into not being able to have an opinion ‘this is the way or the highway’, this is the way it has always been done, if you think differently (or different to other ##’s then you must be wrong). 

From tomorrow I will need to replace my habit language with the following sentences in order to re-capture ownership of me. 

Phrases such as  –ways to respond to negative language

I value and trust your opinion, after all ‘I’m not the speech pathologist’ so I would never question your opinion.

Gossip

Oh I haven’t shared that experience of XX but it sounds like you were frustrated by …..

‘Well that’s ok, I value your opinion, we may have seen different things in the sessions, after all, you’re a speech pathologist and I am an occupational therapist. I know I am able to make decisions that are applicable to my discipline. My clinical reasoning and gut feeling was they would/wouldn’t benefit from another session.

I’m interested in why you thought we both needed to discharge this client.. in my experience, it is often the case that families may need one service more than the other.

‘I can hear what you’re saying’ 

‘I’d really like your input on … because I value your experience in..

‘Can you tell me more about…..’ 

‘I’d appreciate you thoughts on…..

‘you’re so experienced in …… could I have your thoughts on how I could improve on ….’

‘lately I have been thinking I could get better at X, can I have your thoughts/opinion on ….’

‘I notice your really good at’  ‘can I have your help with X’ 

I’m interested in what you’re saying, what do you think? I am eager to hear your point of view.

I did this, and I thought XX… id love some feedback on ….. 

Lately I’ve been thinking I could improve on XXX, did you want to give me some feedback on. ..

What they might say (automatic, habit language) & how I can respond

I’m not an OT..    What I could say 

Well I know that- But you are still very experienced, and I value your knowledge (and I know you have worked with some great OT’s in the past).

You’re doing fine      What I could say 

I think there are always things we do well in a session, and always things we can improve on, I’d really like some feedback on if you have time….

Don’t you know that? Or you should know that ..    What I could say 

Oh I know I should know that, but I am always learning, I’d love your opinion on xx.

OR 

Maybe I should! But I would still appreciate your opinion/expertise. 

Thinking about how I see myself –MATRIX
 1 = low, 5 = high – establishing my gaps

patient behaviour analysis 4   

how to grade the activity to suit the patient 4 

On 22 Aug 2018, at 1:30 am, Rex Buckingham wrote:

Once again xxx you have picked up the essence of our conversation.

It will happen that your ‘habit’ feelings or response will surface quickly – that’s to be expected. The change now is that you have embedded into your thinking options to those feelings and comments! You are obviously ready to take control of yourself again.

Be in that situation where it’s as if you are looking down upon yourself as you steer your emotions and language in your new direction.

If some ‘old language’ pops out, it’s ok to say, “that’s not what I meant to say, let me start again”.

Look for a situation today where you can implement the renewed thinking. Drop me a note sometime this week with a couple of examples. That will be good for us both.

You are a star – you don’t need anyone else’s approval but you are not above getting there feedback / input.

Cheers and always best wishes,

Rex

On 23 Aug 2018, at 9:58 pm, xxx wrote:

Hi Rex, 

!!! left early on Wednesday but I was on the ready. I was more aware of my own body language as we communicated throughout the day. There was no incidences where I felt she communicated with me disrespectfully. We work together again on Monday, 

I did notice I didn’t get as offended (ie take personally) by other staff members comments today (as I previously might have)- an example when one was suggesting the patient didn’t need to come to ### (reporting they could handle ### needs in the speech session) and I thought they would be a priority patient for our service (point of difference) – I noticed myself using more collaborative language – not shooting her down but saying when and how we could talk it out more together at a later date and that I valued and trusted her opinion. Outlined what we both agreed on, 

!!!! and I worked particularly well together today – I will try out the feedback /matrix suggestion tomorrow, 

Thanks Rex, 

? Don’t put up with behaviours that make you feel down. Don’t allow the situation to continue. Believe that it can be better – tell any of your friends about the experience this young women had and how her life has changed. Every day you let yourself be bullied you are depreciating and probably your other relationships are as well. It’s is really as simple as a phone call – it can be confidential – have a chat and let’s see if we can add value to the value you are. Rex 0407827173 – no obligation.

This is a real story, one where the individual has taken ownership and with some strategies is now well in  control of their life. Still learning when different situations turn up but still very much knowing they can have that positive impact on their life – no longer being subjected to that feeling of overwhelming helplessness. 

We will catchup again in January 2019 – just like anything, a little servicing of the strategies, relationship building helps confidence and perspective of both parties. Keeping it real!